Over the past year and a half I've been battling some personal demons. Alike many others I had trouble dealing with anxiety and depression. Although I know it is incredibly common, in the height of the 'gloom', shall we call it, it is very easy to convince yourself that you are the only person in the world ever to feel the way you are feeling. I know how difficult it is to put into words how you may be feeling inside, and this can often lead to frustration when trying to explain it to others: whether that be a doctor, friends or even family. This can leave you feeling very alone and personally I isolated myself and shut everyone else out as a result.
I felt it was useless looking for help as no matter how hard I tried to explain it, somebody would always miss my point and I'd become increasingly frustrated only furthering my anxiety. It became a vicious cycle for me. I was passed around to loads of doctors and professionals but each one would ask me the one question I had no answer to; "How exactly do you feel?" It's hard enough to depict an answer when you're lying in bed at night thinking about it, let alone in a silent room with a stranger that most probably will never understand unless they've been through it themselves. No offence to any doctor but I just doubt that many of them are professionally trained in this particular field. It can all feel a little futile, and even now I still avoid going to the doctors as much as I possibly can haha.
I think it's very easy to convince yourself that you are strong enough to handle your own demons and for me personally, I felt a huge deal of guilt whenever I was comforted by anyone else. My boyfriend at the time was absolutely incredible, we were only 17 when this all started and I'm not sure but I highly doubt many other 17 year old boys would have stuck around for as long as he did. He witnessed me at my absolute worst but never once complained. I can't really describe all of the things he did for me, he was there for me whenever I needed him, whether that be two in the morning or whatever. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten to the point I am now without him. However, I soon realised that the present gloom I was trapped in hadn't just consumed me but everything and everyone around me, including my boyfriend of the time. It was a huge strain on our relationship and unfortunately even as I began to feel better, we couldn't get back to a place that felt normal. My depression had well and truly consumed us and it was almost as if that had become the 'norm' with us. I had become so accustomed to feeling that way and depending on him to make me feel better that we couldn't move forward no matter how hard we tried - and believe me we tried a lot. Unfortunately, we did break up but are still good friends now. It was just very difficult knowing that the reason we couldn't be together was out of our control, it was literally down to the circumstances of my life at that point and sadly what had become his life. It's coming up to 4 months since we broke up now and I still feel a huge amount of guilt. It becomes easier every day though so for anyone in a similar situation, please don't give up hope!
For a while naturally you will live in past regret, re-living every moment/conversation/argument you've ever had and blaming yourself. You will cry yourself to sleep some nights (I still do 4 months on haha) but that is okay. I've realised that this is all part of the process and sometimes nobody is to blame, particularly in a situation like this. I was stuck in past regret and present gloom and found it incredibly hard to look forward to my future for a long time. I am not 100% better and happy right now but then, what is 100% happy? Who knows if I'll ever reach that point. It's all about state of mind and working with what you have. As cheesy as it sounds, you do learn from every experience, often especially the bad ones. I would do things a lot differently given the time again but realistically that will never happen, therefore I've decided to stop thinking about what I 'should have done' and just focus on the future. I can be a better version of myself now and that is what I have taken from this whole journey. Haha the word 'journey' sounds very dramatic but it really does feel that way sometimes. Thinking back to how miserable I was and how I am now is a huuuge change and to me it has been a journey. I'm not quite where I'd like to be just yet but I'm working on it. People always told me "it'll get better with time" and in that moment I thought "yeah great advice NAAAAHHHT" but honestly it is true. Time really does heal.
I was inspired to write this post after watching Zoe's (Zoella) interview on 'This Morning'. When asked about how she felt when she experiences panic attacks (something I also suffer with), for the first time I actually related to someone's personal experience. I was literally sat there like "YES! YES ZOE GET IN THERE!" hahaha all because for once, her take on her experience and particularly her description of how she felt really struck me as the perfect explanation. It personally reassured me a LOT to know that there was someone out there who actually understood how I was feeling. The fact that Zoe decided not to let her anxiety stop her from doing the things she loves is incredibly inspiring to me and motivated me to continue doing the things that I also love - like blogging for example! Anyone reading this should definitely check out that interview as I'm 99.9% certain that it will inspire you in the same way it has me. So, thank you so much Zoe!
Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope it helps you even if it's a tiny bit, it makes it worthwhile :)
Jamie x
